doo wop doo wop a-doo
soooo.....
I got an email from Shayne today telling me how much he cares about me. Funny since we live together. Could be that when he says it I kind of zone into the corner of the wall and think about random things like plastic bags and celery. It's not that I don't believe him...I mean...I don't. The truth is I don't. I guess i should inform you of our rocky past. Everything was super for 10 months or so. I don't open up...but I did....and it took 11 months to get there and the we broke up. This is all so silly, I feel like I'm back in highschool. Damn damn damn. His best friend came back from college for the summer and with a month of persuasion had Shayne turned completely against me. Three days after the break-up I begged and he forgave. Now, a little to late, he realizes he was wrong. We lost everything. All that trust and openness that took 11 months to get to is gone. There is no trust, there is only anger, guilt, and sadness. A sadness so thick it's there all the time. I can forgive what happened, but I can't forget it and the fact that he couldn't love me enough to realize what his stupid friend was doing grows stronger when I'm with him. Then I feel guilt, because I get so angry when I'm around him that I can barely stand to touch him. It makes me sick....he makes me sick. I feel guilt because it's my fault that I feel this way. I'm the one who can't take his apologies and leave it alone. I have to look back into every mean thing he ever said or did for that month, everytime I cried and why I have to cry now. If I was someone else, this wouldn't be happening. If I was someone else I would take him in my arms and never let go. I would be the silly fiance (yes, we're engaged) that makes dinner and fixes up the apartment. But I'm not. I'm Lauren and instead of being happy, I'm not. I don't really know what I am, I just know I'm not happy and that this can't be right. But I can't leave him, not just because of the bond that goes with the ring on my finger, but because I can't. I care to much. Even being utterly miserable, I care to much about him to let go. he could, but I can't. He was unhappy and he let go. I'm unhappy, but I can't. I can't make this make sense in my head. Our love can't be the same. Damn damn damn. Damn eyes for crying, Damn over analization, Damn heart for caring about someone who doesn't care the same. Damn.
Posted by laurenk07
at 11:28 PM EDT
